I am writing this blog out of promise to a dear friend, she said to write something real, something raw…So here it goes.

My life has been a road less traveled; in my soon to be 35 years I have seen the highest of high’s and the lowest of lows…I have fought toe to toe with Satan, lost a couple of times, and won a few times too. I have had the Lord use me as His mouth piece over a church that brought 300 to their knees with His gentle call. I have rebuked a spirit of death out of a women whose heart had stopped, only to see her come back to life, I have spoken in known languages of man unknown to me but known to those around me and caused an increase of belief in God the Father and the gift of tongues. I have witnessed the hand of the Lord in the wooing of a single broken heart to His with 800 roses and a single prayer…But what I have seen most is His STEADFAST LOVE for a broken little girl…who grew up to be still broken but a WILLING vessel…And this girl is me…

Many people see me, and when they look at me, I am not sure what it is they see (to be fair and honest). I think some see a girl who has befriended one too many cupcakes, some see a rebel, some see one who is unrelenting, or confident, some may see beauty of a different kind, or vanity, talent of many kinds, or arrogance. But no matter what, what I HOPE they see IS the heart of the FATHER through me… Truth be told what I see when I look at me is someone who is war-weary, shell-shocked, with feelings of exhaustion and loneliness, wondering when the battles of life will be over. I see someone who wrestles with sickness, fatigue and a deep sense of self-loathing. But no matter my condition in life, the truth is HE has never left me, though I have left HIM a time or two…He has been a sustaining force in my life, a constant companion wooing me back to HIM… With words so tender and real…”I got you, your safe, I’m here, I’ve never left you, you are not alone, you ARE loved, I will protect you, I will guide you, My hand is upon you…” Words dear friends I hope you hear Him say to you even now as you read this wherever you may be…

Many times in my life it has felt as though I am fighting the deadly Hydra, sent from the pit to destroy me, sent to keep me out of the healing waters of Lerna. To keep me focused on it, and not on Him. To cause illusion, to disorient with its toxic breathe, to make me feel hopeless, fearful, and alone. When that is in fact the opposite of what I am… There has even been a time or two I, in weak kneed moments allowed it to lure me into its cave disoriented and confused; I tried to drink the cup of death, to drown out the pain of life with its ferocious bite, to let the poison course through my veins… But that only caused more misery and took me farther from HIM and brought me closer to the Hydra and its many heads…

When I was a little girl I grew up in a sinking ship of a home with little love, to make matters worse I was abused by 2 men, one lasting for 7 years. The abuse would happen when I was asleep, I would awake to a nightmare, frozen in fear I would play possum hoping it would end… Finally at age Ten, I found the courage to end the affliction…But Satan’s deadly reign in my life was far from over… In a 7 year pattern I became withdrawn, depressed, confused, shamed, angry and fearful. I developed self-hate and destructive patterns lashing out to anyone who drew near. I took up cutting, self-mutilation in other forms, including forced insomnia. I rejected people out of fear that people would see how marred I really was (something I still tend to do, sorrowfully)… As a young girl I bought the lie that I was no good, something hated, that I was dirty, used, and that no one wanted me. In my pain, I turned to things that made me feel powerful at a young age. But little did I know that the “power” I had attained brought me into the clutches of the deadly Hydra. The deadly gases of the cave paralyzed me with fear, kept me from reaching out for help, I thought in my isolation I was safe, but little did I know I was farther from the truth than I had ever been, I was about to be exterminated from human existence, I was about to be consumed…

Wrapped and tightly coiled in death’s grip I felt the last of my life source leaving my body, numb I lay my head against the deadly Hydra’s forceful scales, feeling its muscles constricting life from mine, I with the few last breathes I had, I whispered HIS name….”Jesus”… and went limp against the beast giving into my fate… it was here in the fumed filled darkness that I saw a brilliant blinding light, a light so profound that with a great shutter and release I was free from the hissing serpent. Gasping for breath He found me in that dampened grave… It was then that HE carried me, and I felt the MIGHTY beat of His gentle heart, like down was the robes of His chest, soft and warm. In that moment He carried me away from that deadly cave, away from the ugliest of snakes. For the longest time He carried me, and close to Him I found healing.

When I was safe He set me down besides His still waters. It was there that I laid myself willingly upon Abraham’s Altar and it was there, Jesus took my place. I allowed my Maker to truly remake me into something new…Though the memories of the trauma still lingered…and the fight of self-taught things stayed…My heart changed, it learned to trust Him (ONLY HIM), it learned that HE was not bad, but rather beautiful and in a way, lonely too… I drew near to HIM, my sweet Him. It was then I learned to warfare, to shake the Heavens and the Earth for Righteousness to come down (though I was told I wasn’t supposed to), it was there I learned who I was in Him, though reality of my self-condition told another story.

The moss of that riverbank in that season of my life was so soft, the waters so cool and healing. I sat with my Him and His Father many a night, face to face learning and gleaning from the Ancient of Days Himself. His white hair flowed like His robes did, it seemed to almost come to life, to flurry about in tuffs of storm and then rest again. The stars dusted His unruly hair and beard, they twinkled and bore forth light with every word He spoke. Staring at Him was like staring into the face of eternity… He was more than a sage of time, HE was the VERY essence of time, but not ruled by it, rather HE ruled time; time bent around Him swirling like rainbows that whispered His name as an Everlasting witness. When we walked together in that season His feet shook the Earth around us causing all of creation to tremble and quake with the realization that it was about to be invaded by something Terrible and Mighty all in the same breath. With every step He took, the Earth Shouted GLORY in unison and it seemed that every living plant, tree, and creature glowed with saturated Hues in the presence of His righteousness. And as quickly as the life came into creation as He approached it was silent again as He moved passed them, going back to being unanimated as before.

It was in those times where I learned the most about the character of God. The reality was I did not have many friends or family then and so God became my friend and Father. While others were out having fun with each other and their families I silently grieved and drew close, I was home with My Him and the Great “I am”. Many nights I sat and cried because of the trauma and rejection of my youth, many nights He met me there and held me in a sweet embrace. He taught me of the power of forgiveness and letting go. He taught me that turning the other cheek is Mightier than taking up the sword of vengeance. It was in those quiet teenage years I learned to lay down my right and allowed Him to fight for me instead. It was there He started my journey from feeble girl to mighty warrior… The anger stained face became softer and more forgiving, I was learning to live again. All of this time of healing brought me into a sense of wholeness. I was moving forward, bolder now than before with focus and zeal… I was ready to live again.

It was in this moment, He bent down and lifted my chin with His nail scarred hands, looking me straight in the eyes, He spoke, “You will fight the Hydra again, and you will win. For I will train you, and every failure of yours will become a great victory through Me. The little girl who shook with fear at things that go bump in the night will courageously stand with confidence in the darkest of nights… Lean on Me fix your eyes upon Me. For I am life and there is GREAT healing in My wings.”

And this my Dear reader is where I leave you, not with a sad song to sing but one filled with hope and endurance. For if HE could take a wreck such as I and change her, He surely can take you. Please lean against your Papa’s chest, close your eyes and hear His heart beat, breathe Him in deep, tell Him all of your cares, concerns, and woes. It is here He will find you as you are, come to Him for there is GREAT healing in His wings…

With Love,




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