“Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee Your Presence?”…. I cannot get away from YOU!!, or this verse…
ALRIGHT, GOD. I KNOW!!! I cannot run from YOU, YOU’RE THERE!!!! (insert exasperated cry here), Feeling frustrated and in want for a better word I would slam my Bible shut and NOT want to read it further. HE should know that I already know this.
But, I could not be farther from the truth, the reality was I thought I knew, but all I knew was textbook knowledge and HE was about to make it real to me in a deep personal way. You see HE knew what I did not, (amazing how that works, with Him being God and all) HE knew what I would go through in this year, He knew I would be broken and lost wondering who I was, wondering how I got into that infamous pit that many know all too well. When I was alone in that pit, the truth was I really wasn’t alone, He was there with me, shining HIS light on me so that I could be found.
In that pit God the Father was there all along, HE was speaking to me that dreaded Psalm, I sat in the mud and the wetness, with the cold jagged rocks beneath me pressing on wounds, their way of reminding me that this was reality and not a dream, but yet in the darkness was the quiet whisper of a King, so powerful that it spoke light and life into a war weary heart and soul of this child. Quietly, gently, calling from the deep, “I KNOW you, I have searched you, I see you, My hand is upon you.” This Psalm was not so dreaded now, in truth it was a great comfort to me in my distress and my brokenness. God was there in that pit with me, I was NOT alone.
Sitting up, in the mud, I saw my Steve and my HIM looking down at me, and all around me was the sound of whisperings, swirling around me in vapors that were faintly seen in the dark, faster and faster they swirled until their movement caused light particles to emanate from them, whispering to me ever so Quietly, “ For I created your inmost being, I knitted you together…I know you, [I love you, I love you, I love you], My eye is upon you, yes even now, even in that pit, even in your greatest failure, even in your hurt, pushing through your fears, pushing through your shame, HERE I am. I AM HERE.” His words, and the two years of constant repeat, foretold HIS knowing of this place, of my brokenness, Those two years knew of my fall down the rabbit hole, but EVEN better foretold of the RESTORATION that would take place….
HIS arms were holding me in HIS sweet embrace that we as believers so desperately long for. He reminded me, I could not out run HIM, I could not out pace Him, even better, He was there with me just like the Psalm speaks about, in the darkness, in the night, in the Depths. Assuredly we always know HE is there in the High times, those Heavenly mountain tops, but what a comfort to know that He holds us and SUSTAINS us during the dark times too… Steve was calling, HE was calling, and Holy Spirit was Ministering, working in the dark restoring, renewing, and repairing all on my behalf. HIS eye was on me, He had a plan, He knew about this moment and this day and HE was working to restore.
Bracing myself, I attempted to stand, my hands screamed, Heck, my whole body screamed, the mud was so slippery, it rallied against every attempt to rise to my feet. My hands were so raw from the Bites and they reminded me as I pushed on them to try to stand only to slip and fall back to the rocky ground adding insult to injury, frustrated I put my head to my knees and cried, “I cannot do this. I need help. Please come help me.” And then there was a hand in front of me, and a voice speaking to me over the whispering vapors of the Holy Spirit. Strong, soft, and soothing, “Here, let me help you.” Looking through my tears I saw a bright light, squinting I shielded my face until my eyes adjusted to the glow and they focused on a hand reaching towards me.
As I looked at this hand I saw that it had a ugly scar that must have been a deep, deep wound that had once tore and ripped… for my sake, for all my faults, for all my ugliness, He BORE all my ugliness, and for that HE is beautiful to me. Wrongfully accused, He took the scars that should have been mine, and he bore a thorny crown, and an old rugged cross that was meant for me. But yet, here HE was standing before me arm stretched out asking the same questions He asked Two Thousand Years ago, “[Woman], do you want to get well?”, Here He was so genuine, so full of love so wanting to reach out, to help me rise to my feet once again, willing to guide me, willing to hold fast to me even through my sorrow and my grief. Even in the darkness of the pit, He was here, He was always here, whispering Psalms of Love, encompassing me creating a barrier around me protecting me against the darkness that so desperately wanted to claim me for its own, He was waiting for me to call to Him for help, and waiting for me to see Him once again in all His beauty and in all His majesty. As I reached for Him I could see my own hands that were once cut so deep by the Jabberwock, and the Bandersnatch had begun to heal, their destructive encounter was shifting from a painful interlude to something in-between hurt and healing. And as I reached for His hand, I realized that dreaded Psalm that haunted me endlessly was actually the loving Word of HIM spoken to a begrudged girl who thought she knew HIM, and His love…she truly was far from understanding it.
And now dear readers, this is where I leave you. Not with a complete understanding of who HE is and how much He loves us but rather with a knowing that we are genuinely pursued by His great love and we are deeply KNOWN.
Ps: Here is a song that He comforted me with in this time and my beloved Psalm. Enjoy!
You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with you. If only you, God, would slay the wicked! Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty! They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord, and abhor those who are in rebellion against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
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